Stop planning, analyzing, thinking, expecting

Ok, I am ever so consumed with all that's going on. I need to just stop and live. I always want to know or at least be told what's going to be happening, what to expect, etc. I then overthink everything and start to plan and then almost begin to believe that that's what's going to happen, when really no one knows what is going to happen or when these babies are going to decide to grace us with their presence. One nurse tells me "Oh, the way you're looking you won't last this next week." That 'week' is over in like 3 days. The doctor says, "I say you hang in there for the next two weeks", that was a week and half ago and I'm going strong. My doctor today says again, "I say you get preeclampsia in two weeks (at 35 weeks) and we'll have to induce you,". I say everyone is wrong! I can't take what people tell me seriously anymore because I get way too involved and convinced that that is what's going to happen. I'm stopping. And it's not their fault, they're just making a prediction, it's not fact. It's my fault that I twist it into this.

So, since November 1st when I got put on bedrest I have anticipated delivering early and having NICU babies. I am in my 34th week. I am home (although I am straddling the fence on being here, I can go to the hospital at any time I feel the need or if any of my tests or labs come back concerning) but if I stay down I am fine! If I get up and walk around, about 20 minutes into it I feel like I am going to die and I have to go lay down for like 3 hours to recover, but really, I'm good. If I just hang out like this for 2 more weeks there are good odds our babies will be absolutely fine and get to come home with us! Statistics show that at 35 weeks 50% of twins go home, if they do go to the NICU it's usually only for a few days. But I am now starting to wonder if I just hang out like I am, supposedly just 'flirting' with preeclampsia for 3 more weeks and we go OVER 35 weeks. So I'm not making any plans, I'm just gonna go a day at a time, take it easy and see how long I can stay at home.

Today at the Dr.'s I almost went back to the hospital. But that's because I had been up for so long. I had taken a shower (which I hadn't been allowed to even stand that long for over a week), then of course had to stand to get ready and blow dry my hair and all that, and then I decided to cut my own hair, then Justin came home to take me to the Dr. and I talked him into letting me cut his hair by telling him I felt fine although I knew I had overdone it. I should have stopped but I always think I can do WAY more than I can, and then I get scared because of what my body starts to tell me. By the time I was done with that I couldn't move. It was such an effort to just walk down the stairs and into the car. The pressure and pain in the pelvis/hip joints and the pain and tightness of my belly was almost too much. I don't know how I made it walking down the hall to the Dr.'s. It was very slow going. It's almost comical. I feel like a very old lady.

So I wasn't looking too hot to the nurses at the office and I know they were worried, and me and Justin were worried and realizing that maybe the best place for me was at the hospital where they could keep a close eye on me. Especially with all that the Dr. wants done on a weekly basis: frequent non-stress tests, lab draws, perinatologist apps, Dr. apps, 24 hour urine collections etc. etc. So we had planned on me going so I would be closely watched and more comfortable and Justin wouldn't have to worry so much about taking care of me. It would just be easier. I just said I wanted one more night in my own bed. But I got home and once I calmed down and relaxed for about 2 hours I felt good! I just need to lay down a lot! Then I'm ok. So I decided I'll let myself get up or sit up every 3 hours or something and then listen to my body and go lay down again for a few hours when it gets unbearable. I think it's a good plan. That way I feel productive at times (even though I can't last more than 20 minutes standing up) but it'll allow me to take care of myself a little more and not have to completely rely on others and take it super easy at the same time. So that's my plan. So now instead of expecting to deliver soon, I am 'planning' on going clear till January! 37 weeks! (I'm hoping that by hoping the opposite maybe I'll just deliver soon :) We'll see what happens.

GOING HOME!!!!

Ok, so today I had a mini meltdown. I have been fine up until now, but when they tell you all these things are going on and you're going to deliver soon etc. etc. you start to accept that the babies are coming early, which I've accepted a LONG time ago, and you start making some expectations. Although it's better if the babies stay in longer, I had accepted that they could come, like, this week and I had prepared for that. So I've been in the hospital for 8 days now. My blood pressures have come down along with my massive swelling in the past few days and all my blood labs are fine so far so I don't have full blown preeclampsia. Although my urine is dumping protein, it's just above the normal range so the Dr. said I had preeclampsia, but just the very beginnings of it and it will just get worse but who knows how long it will take to get worse. Their predictions were the preeclampsia would become a problem before the water breaking became a problem and they'd have to deliver the babies due to preeclampsia.

So today I went to see the perinatologist again. It's been one week since they last looked and saw that my cervix had shortened. It was 0.8-0.9cm, so really short. And I was dilated. So today I expected it to be shorter, or possibly the same. But no, it was longer and thicker!!!! It was 1.4 cm and the beaking (the space that was opened up on the inside) was smaller than it has been in weeks!!!! So they said "Hey, we fixed you!" So I said, "Yay, send me home!" and they looked at me like I was crazy and said that what they were doing was obviously working so they were going to keep me.

I should have been happy things looked better, but I wasn't! I was depressed! Because of so many things: I had expected to have the babies soon, had no idea the cervix could start looking BETTER I thought it either progressed or stayed the same, but mainly because it is the Christmas season and I am missing it! I know that sounds selfish, but just a minute and I'll explain. I really don't think there's anything they're doing here at this point that I could do at home. Last week with the higher BP's I was getting nervous, but then after like 2 days that all subsided and I went back to how I was, even better, although they're still on the high side, just not to the alarming stage yet. The babies look awesome at this point. All is well with them and their non stress tests twice a day are always stellar. Since they upped my Procardia over a week ago for the contractions I hardly contract at all. So what's making the cervical improvement is not necessarily the bedrest. I was already doing that at home and can certainly do what I'm doing here at home. The only difference I can tell is the doubled dose of Procardia. As soon as they gave that to me on Monday when we came in, my contractions settled way down. Which could explain why the cervix looks better after a week. I'm not contracting and therefore putting less pressure of the babies on the cervix. I can take Procardia just as easily here as at home. The peri mentioned that the less contractions coupled with the bedrest is what was making the change, but he didn't realize that I had been on bedrest at home for 4 weeks prior. It wasn't that all of a sudden here at the hospital I was on bedrest so that made the difference. It was just the increase of Procardia. Well, probably a little of the bedrest as I do stay down a lot more here than at home, but now that I've been here, I am not getting up at home! I will stay down and only get up as much as I get up here.

It was just starting to make me depressed that I would just have to hang out here for possibly 2 more weeks when I could be doing this at home, mainly because of the season! Christmas will be here in like 2 more weeks! So when Dr. Hartman came to see me today I asked him what his prediction would be for me. He said, I think you'll get full blown preeclampsia in 2 weeks and we'll induce you. That's like 3 days before Christmas. Christmas just throws a wrench in things!!! And it's not that I care so much, it's that I feel bad that their birthdays will just be mushed together with Christmas! Anyway, I explained my reasoning for wanting to go home, expecting him to listen like the good Dr. that he is and tell me that I need to stay. But he said, "Ok, go home." He went on to say he wasn't worried about the babies, if he was he wouldn't let me go but that he trusts my judgment and wouldn't normally let someone go home, but because of my nursing background and how aware I've been up to this point (and I'm sure the fact that my mom's a labor and delivery nurse and he's worked with her for 30 years and he trusts her and knows that I trust her judgment) and that he knows I'll be back if anything feels off he said go home. He said with a small smirk, "I think you'll start contracting and it'll scare you and you'll be back in 3 days,". So when I said, "So do you think I should just stay?" he said "No, if you want to go, you should go be at home and come back if something changes." and he smiled and said "It's like a kid when they run away from home, they have to go try it and if it doesn't work they come home,". So then it worried me like he was just placating me that I wanted to go home but I'd be back. I mean, I know I'll be back shortly at some point, but I think I'll make it longer than that. I don't want to come back in unless I am in labor or the preeclampsia comes along and I have to come back for a few days until they induce me. I just don't want to stay here all that time in between when I could be home. He consoled me and told me that if I come back in 3 days it's fine. I might be home for a week or more and then I'll be happier for being home. At least I got to go home and if it doesn't work out for a long time, it doesn't work out and I'll know I need to be in the hospital.

So I'm going home as soon as Justin takes his Math final and comes and gets me! This is the happiest day of my life! We can get the Christmas tree up and I can see my baby Sky (my puppy). Seriously, I miss her so much and she's just been so traumatized since I left. She thinks I just abandoned her! I've had like 3 dreams about her. Funny but true that I would be so emotionally attached to a dog. But she is the cutest thing ever. So I'll be going to see Dr. Hartman like twice a week and the perinatologist once a week and taking my own blood pressures at home just in case so basically I'll know if my BP's are out of whack, and then during the week I'll be seeing a Dr. every other day. Then, if there's any changes I'll come to the hospital. It's not like we live far away. We're like 10 minutes. So yay! I'll let you know when I'm back at the hospital but for now, I'm sleeping in my own bed, with my husband, and my puppy.

HOSPITALIZATION

Well, here I am. The place I've been trying to avoid. I've been a slacker and haven't updated the blog yet. It's Saturday and I've been here since Monday. I definitely debated whether or not to post a picture with this but decided posts are so much better with pictures even though I look horrid. Actually, if you could see me now I actually look pretty good in the picture! In just the past couple days my puffiness has gone from "Wow, my face is really puffy" to "Who is that marshmallow face in the mirror?"I really hope I'm getting puffy from the twin pregnancy and hope that this isn't the norm for me when pregnant.

So Monday I hit 4 weeks on bedrest. That morning I woke up and felt fine until I got up out of bed. In the time it took to walk down the stairs to the kitchen I was hunched over from my contractions being so tight. I'm always contracting, but this seemed more than usual. The few days prior also seemed like they had become more intense and frequent. My plan was to let my Dr. know that day at our app at 1:00 and I assumed he'd probably increase my Procardia medicine dose to minimize them. Within 5 minutes I couldn't walk and there was a pain in my right side that started radiating all over the right side. I have never had pain with my contractions. So I called my mom and she said to take a bath and if it didn't subside in 30 minutes to go to labor and delivery. I'm glad I have my very own labor and delivery nurse at my beck and call. So I somehow made it up the stairs to the bath. It took about 40 minutes until the pain was gone, although the contraction was still there.

I started to get ready and Justin came home to get me for my appointment. By the time I was ready and sitting on the couch before we left I was wiped out. We were a little early for the Dr. app so we were leaving in 30 min but sitting there the pain starting to come back, starting on the right side. I told Justin and we decided to just go early. We grabbed my bathroom stuff and bag just in case the Dr. said I had to go to the hospital. By the time we walked out the door and got in the car the pain was so bad I couldn't breath well or move. I knew I couldn't get out of the car and walk up to the Dr. office and knew if I did he'd look at me like I was crazy and ask why the heck I didn't just go to the hospital if it was that bad. So we just headed to Ogden Regional. I called my mom to tell her we were headed there and she called there to give them a heads up (for those of you that don't know, she works labor and delivery there and has for like 35 years).

They came out with a wheelchair as I could barely move and wheeled me up. Again after about 40 minutes from the time the pain started, it subsided but was still contracting. They put the monitors on and the babies were doing great, but I was contracting every 2 minutes for the first couple hours. Then it went down to like every 6 minutes. But they weren't painful, just the same ones I had been having. They checked me and I was dilated to 1 1/2cm. That was the first time I had been dilated. Up to this point, we had been going weekly to the Dr. and even though my cervix was wide open from the inside, the rest of the cervix was still closed and not dilating although every week the cervix would shorten just a little bit more. Last week I still had 1.25 cm that was closed. ( a normal cervix should be 3-4 cm long and all of it closed).

They called my Dr. and told me they'd probably keep me overnight just to watch everything, and have me see the perinatologist in the morning and I'd most likely go home after that. I had one more episode of the pain and this time during it they gave me Lortab (even though I didn't need or want anything for the pain, they said to take it to relax me so that they could get on top of the contractions). It totally relaxed me and at that point my Procardia was due, so they doubled the dose I had been on and that did the trick! I started contracting way less and never had the painful contractions again. I had to be on a clear liquid diet all night just in case something happened, but I was planning on going home the next day.

So I went to the perinatologist and the babies looked great, but my cervix did not. It had shortened to like 0.8cm, of course was still dilated and little girls head was just sitting against it with the membrane sac bulging into that space. The fact that I was dilated made a huge difference as that took a lot of support away therefore putting me at a huge risk for my sac rupturing. The peri said I was definitely staying. So they put me on bedrest with bathroom privileges. Absolutely no walking around. They do non stress tests twice a day and drew labs to make sure my liver and kidneys were working ok as they're watching me closely for preeclampsia.

Yesterday I woke up with my blood pressures really high. My BP's have been high and just within the past 2 days I have gotten so puffy it's ridiculous, which goes along with preeclampsia. So they were worried about that. Pretty much I'm just trending up towards that, there's just no way to tell how fast it'll come on. It can get really bad overnight, or take a few weeks to kick in if it's going to happen. So they started a 24 hour urine collection to check for protein and kidney function. Basically Preeclampsia symptoms are high BP, protein in the urine, and when severe can cause seizures in the mom and it starts to affect the liver and kidneys which then can affect the babies placentas as well as put the mom in danger. So if my blood pressure stays consistently high, or my urine starts spilling protein then they'll start an IV drip of Magnesium sulfate which suppresses the nervous system to prevent seizures and if my labs start showing that it's affecting my organs at that point they will deliver the babies. Craziness! The main risk right now is my water breaking. There is so much pressure in my pelvis when I get up to walk I feel like I'm going to break any moment!

It's still so surreal that this is all happening. They really can't give me a prediction of when the babies will come or what's going to happen because everyone is so different. So until they do decide to come, I'm just hanging out with all my puffiness! It's actually gone by really really fast and Justin has been so wonderful! He is taking such good care of me. The first few days I actually think I enjoyed a little too much being in the hospital. It's like it was good to have change of scenery after spending 4 weeks on bedrest at my house, and I don't feel like I should be cleaning or feeling bad as I watch Justin hustle around the house cleaning and cooking as I sit there helpless. Also, my mom has been here working Mon-Friday and so many of the nurses know me because they've worked with my mom for so long, and even if they don't know me, they know my mom and so they've all taken such good care of me. Tera, my sister was my nurse the other day and today because she also works here. So that's pretty much awesome. So I know I am having a completely different experience than if I had a normal hospital stay.

My prediction is I make it to 33 weeks, which is Wednesday, and have them sometime after that. I don't think I'll make it after 34 weeks. Wish us luck! I'll keep you all updated for those of you that have actually read these massively long posts!!!!

31 Weeks!

This is more for my own journaling, so sorry if it bores you. Posts are so much funner with pictures but I have no pictures, just documenting.

I have hit 31 weeks and over 3 weeks of bedrest! Super excited about that. Monday at the Dr.'s my cervix was a little shorter, but that's pretty much what has been going on week by week. We lose a little every week. My blood pressure was higher than it normally is so he wants so watch me more closely for preeclampsi and he measured the babies and found that the girl was lagging behind when normally she is just a little less than the boy. She measured 28 wks and 6 days, so about 2 weeks behind schedule. The boy was 31 wks and 1 day. But since she is deeper inside, behind the boy and her head is so far down in my pelvis we didn't know how accurate the measurements really were. He threw around the idea that if she really was truly measuring 2 weeks behind, when normally she is right on track, twin to twin transfusion could be starting which is where one baby starts to take more of the nutrients which causes the other one to lack and not grow as fast.

I asked if that was the case, what they do about it. He said that if it continues, and she gets farther behind than 2 weeks in development that we would induce me to deliver the babies. But that he first wanted me to go see the perinatologist to get a better measurement, and if she's lagging then I'd go every week to get measured and if at 33-34 weeks she was behind enough that's when we'd deliver. So we made an app for Tuesday to see the peri and the Dr. now wants me to come in twice a week for non stress tests (which I've been doing once a week) and to check my blood pressure twice a week and we'd also check the fluid to make sure they both have plenty twice a week. So I hope my blood pressure stays in check because if it gets too high pretty much I'll be hospitalized and that would be awful.

So yesterday we went to the peri and they got a much better measurement, and she was only a week behind and even then they said their prediction is she's really bigger because it was so hard to get an accurate measure on her head. So they weren't too concerned and said that if I'm still pregnant in 3 weeks to come back to measure them again. Yay! The boy is almost 4 pounds and she is over 3 pounds, but really probably more. So good news!

It would be wonderful if they could get to around 5 pounds. so probably only 2-3 more weeks inside and they would be close to 5 pounds. My goal was 33 weeks, that's only 2 more weeks away. So now I think how wonderful it would be to make it to 34 or even 35 weeks! Every week counts at this point. I am sick of my puffiness, my exhaustion, lack of sleep, bedrest, how hard it is to maneuver around and so on, but I know it's only for a few weeks and then my babies will be here! I can hold on until then.

Slightly Depressed

I know I shouldn't be feeling the way I'm feeling. Really we are so lucky and blessed in so many ways, but I can't shake the feeling of slight depression. The last couple of days the effects of the pregnancy has hit me. I have felt awesome up until now. I'm so hungry and thirsty but my stomach is already huge and stretched that when I eat it feels like there's no room for the food in there! But then I'm hungry so I eat, and I'm thirsty so I drink and it just comes back up! Not in the feeling nauseous sort of way, just all of a sudden I bend over and it's no longer in my stomach. There's just no room!

The babies are over 3 pounds each, so technically I am at the point that most people go into labor and have their babies, when they are at their largest. And I'm only 31 weeks. I don't think my stomach can stretch any bigger! Rolling over in bed is a joke. It's so uncomfortable. I feel like someone has cut open my stomach and sewn a huge bowling ball inside. I have to hold it up when I walk around or the pressure is unbearable. Now I've heard this from almost every person that's had a baby, that the last couple weeks of pregnancy you just get uncomfortable and even though you know you only have a couple more weeks you just feel done! Well, that's all fine and dandy except for the fact that who knows how long I'm going to go? I'm not at 'the end' of my pregnancy technically. I think I could handle it if I knew I was 36-37 weeks and knew there was no way I'd have to go longer than a couple more weeks. I hate not knowing when the babies are going to come. I just want to know if they're going to be early at 32-33 weeks, or if I will make it to 35-36 weeks. I would just like to prepare a little bit. I am a huge list writer/preparer and that is what's driving me crazy! Not being able to even predict what's most likely to happen.

To top it off, I am just stuck in the house. I thought I was doing fine but it's the weekend and that's when it's actually the hardest. Because the weekend is when Justin is home and we have nothing to do together cause I can't do anything! We can't go out and enjoy each other.
The weather's gloomy, I feel like I'm so unattractive that it's probably a good thing I'm just stuck in the house because I don't want anyone to see my white puffy face and body. I keep having thoughts that I just want to have the babies. Which just sounds awful and selfish. It's so early and our goal is to keep them in there as long as we can and yet most of my brain is saying 'just get them out! I'm done!'. Does that mean I'm going to be an awful mother? And now that I've said that, did I just jinx myself and now if they come early I'm just going to feel guilty cause I'll feel like I wished that upon them when reality really hits and I realize how worth it it would be to keep them in there a few more weeks?
Anyway, sorry for all the pessimism. Not the most uplifting post. I just need to record my honest thoughts at the moment.

UPDATE

I can't believe it's been almost 3 weeks that I've been on bedrest!!! The first week was really hard. I was contracting a lot and I just felt like a walking time bomb, like I could go into labor any second. Any moving around whatsoever sent me into contractions. Had my shower at my mom's and was banned to sit in the chair and not get up. Even so, just sitting for that long wore my body out and when I got home I was contracting more than 13 times an hour and it took 3 hours to settle down. Also, I didn't know what to do with myself, although I was super busy trying to work from home to train the new nurse at my job I had to so abruptly leave, so luckily that kept me busy. Went to the doctor and I was the same, so that's good.

Week number two, was much better. Less stressed because I was training the nurse, so I was able to hand over a lot of my work stresses to her. And I seemed to finally have my "routine" down and was getting used to it. The contractions were way less so the medicine is definitely helping! This week went by so much faster. Went to the doctor and I was pretty much the same. The opening inside was a little wider and no longer V shaped but now just a big round pit, but the part of the cervix that was still closed was measuring the same amount as the week before. But since the gap was even wider, little girls head was pushed right up ready to come out still and this time you could see the sac bulging into the open space. Yikes! Just looking at it made me think, how is my water not breaking? But I guess those sacs are pretty tough!!! But I think that's what's going to happen. I don't think I'm going to start dilating and going into labor, I think that girl is going to break her water and that will send me into labor. That's my prediction.

Week number three. I'm in it right now and it's going by even faster! Which is good. Although I hate not being able to get up and go get things ready for the nursery (not that we're really going to be needing it as the babies will most likely be in the NICU, then in my room for awhile.) But it is driving me a little crazy not being able to 'nest'. Plus, our garage is still full of stuff that needs to be organized from the move so we can actually park in there! Oh well, these things can wait. My contractions are even less, the babies are definitely growing as my stomach is swelling even larger and I now have a hard time breathing while I'm sitting and it's smooshing my stomach giving me heartburn and I have to watch how much I eat at one time or I'll be sorry! I hit 30 weeks and now am in my 31st week. Yay!!!! Dr. Hartman said we get to have a party if I hit 31 weeks. Apparently statistics show that the chances of your baby dying or having long term complications are the same at 31 weeks and on as they are at 40 weeks! Crazy huh? But great news all the same!

My family has been awesome through all of this and helped me so much! My mom has arranged it so that someone comes by every day and brings me lunch and sometimes dinner and they even clean my house! I am so blessed. And there's a lady in our ward that is coming over on Friday to teach me how to crochet! I'm so excited! So cross your fingers that we make it another two weeks! Right now that is the milestone I want to reach, 33 weeks. Stay in there little ones!

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