GOING HOME!!!!

Ok, so today I had a mini meltdown. I have been fine up until now, but when they tell you all these things are going on and you're going to deliver soon etc. etc. you start to accept that the babies are coming early, which I've accepted a LONG time ago, and you start making some expectations. Although it's better if the babies stay in longer, I had accepted that they could come, like, this week and I had prepared for that. So I've been in the hospital for 8 days now. My blood pressures have come down along with my massive swelling in the past few days and all my blood labs are fine so far so I don't have full blown preeclampsia. Although my urine is dumping protein, it's just above the normal range so the Dr. said I had preeclampsia, but just the very beginnings of it and it will just get worse but who knows how long it will take to get worse. Their predictions were the preeclampsia would become a problem before the water breaking became a problem and they'd have to deliver the babies due to preeclampsia.

So today I went to see the perinatologist again. It's been one week since they last looked and saw that my cervix had shortened. It was 0.8-0.9cm, so really short. And I was dilated. So today I expected it to be shorter, or possibly the same. But no, it was longer and thicker!!!! It was 1.4 cm and the beaking (the space that was opened up on the inside) was smaller than it has been in weeks!!!! So they said "Hey, we fixed you!" So I said, "Yay, send me home!" and they looked at me like I was crazy and said that what they were doing was obviously working so they were going to keep me.

I should have been happy things looked better, but I wasn't! I was depressed! Because of so many things: I had expected to have the babies soon, had no idea the cervix could start looking BETTER I thought it either progressed or stayed the same, but mainly because it is the Christmas season and I am missing it! I know that sounds selfish, but just a minute and I'll explain. I really don't think there's anything they're doing here at this point that I could do at home. Last week with the higher BP's I was getting nervous, but then after like 2 days that all subsided and I went back to how I was, even better, although they're still on the high side, just not to the alarming stage yet. The babies look awesome at this point. All is well with them and their non stress tests twice a day are always stellar. Since they upped my Procardia over a week ago for the contractions I hardly contract at all. So what's making the cervical improvement is not necessarily the bedrest. I was already doing that at home and can certainly do what I'm doing here at home. The only difference I can tell is the doubled dose of Procardia. As soon as they gave that to me on Monday when we came in, my contractions settled way down. Which could explain why the cervix looks better after a week. I'm not contracting and therefore putting less pressure of the babies on the cervix. I can take Procardia just as easily here as at home. The peri mentioned that the less contractions coupled with the bedrest is what was making the change, but he didn't realize that I had been on bedrest at home for 4 weeks prior. It wasn't that all of a sudden here at the hospital I was on bedrest so that made the difference. It was just the increase of Procardia. Well, probably a little of the bedrest as I do stay down a lot more here than at home, but now that I've been here, I am not getting up at home! I will stay down and only get up as much as I get up here.

It was just starting to make me depressed that I would just have to hang out here for possibly 2 more weeks when I could be doing this at home, mainly because of the season! Christmas will be here in like 2 more weeks! So when Dr. Hartman came to see me today I asked him what his prediction would be for me. He said, I think you'll get full blown preeclampsia in 2 weeks and we'll induce you. That's like 3 days before Christmas. Christmas just throws a wrench in things!!! And it's not that I care so much, it's that I feel bad that their birthdays will just be mushed together with Christmas! Anyway, I explained my reasoning for wanting to go home, expecting him to listen like the good Dr. that he is and tell me that I need to stay. But he said, "Ok, go home." He went on to say he wasn't worried about the babies, if he was he wouldn't let me go but that he trusts my judgment and wouldn't normally let someone go home, but because of my nursing background and how aware I've been up to this point (and I'm sure the fact that my mom's a labor and delivery nurse and he's worked with her for 30 years and he trusts her and knows that I trust her judgment) and that he knows I'll be back if anything feels off he said go home. He said with a small smirk, "I think you'll start contracting and it'll scare you and you'll be back in 3 days,". So when I said, "So do you think I should just stay?" he said "No, if you want to go, you should go be at home and come back if something changes." and he smiled and said "It's like a kid when they run away from home, they have to go try it and if it doesn't work they come home,". So then it worried me like he was just placating me that I wanted to go home but I'd be back. I mean, I know I'll be back shortly at some point, but I think I'll make it longer than that. I don't want to come back in unless I am in labor or the preeclampsia comes along and I have to come back for a few days until they induce me. I just don't want to stay here all that time in between when I could be home. He consoled me and told me that if I come back in 3 days it's fine. I might be home for a week or more and then I'll be happier for being home. At least I got to go home and if it doesn't work out for a long time, it doesn't work out and I'll know I need to be in the hospital.

So I'm going home as soon as Justin takes his Math final and comes and gets me! This is the happiest day of my life! We can get the Christmas tree up and I can see my baby Sky (my puppy). Seriously, I miss her so much and she's just been so traumatized since I left. She thinks I just abandoned her! I've had like 3 dreams about her. Funny but true that I would be so emotionally attached to a dog. But she is the cutest thing ever. So I'll be going to see Dr. Hartman like twice a week and the perinatologist once a week and taking my own blood pressures at home just in case so basically I'll know if my BP's are out of whack, and then during the week I'll be seeing a Dr. every other day. Then, if there's any changes I'll come to the hospital. It's not like we live far away. We're like 10 minutes. So yay! I'll let you know when I'm back at the hospital but for now, I'm sleeping in my own bed, with my husband, and my puppy.