Stop planning, analyzing, thinking, expecting

Ok, I am ever so consumed with all that's going on. I need to just stop and live. I always want to know or at least be told what's going to be happening, what to expect, etc. I then overthink everything and start to plan and then almost begin to believe that that's what's going to happen, when really no one knows what is going to happen or when these babies are going to decide to grace us with their presence. One nurse tells me "Oh, the way you're looking you won't last this next week." That 'week' is over in like 3 days. The doctor says, "I say you hang in there for the next two weeks", that was a week and half ago and I'm going strong. My doctor today says again, "I say you get preeclampsia in two weeks (at 35 weeks) and we'll have to induce you,". I say everyone is wrong! I can't take what people tell me seriously anymore because I get way too involved and convinced that that is what's going to happen. I'm stopping. And it's not their fault, they're just making a prediction, it's not fact. It's my fault that I twist it into this.

So, since November 1st when I got put on bedrest I have anticipated delivering early and having NICU babies. I am in my 34th week. I am home (although I am straddling the fence on being here, I can go to the hospital at any time I feel the need or if any of my tests or labs come back concerning) but if I stay down I am fine! If I get up and walk around, about 20 minutes into it I feel like I am going to die and I have to go lay down for like 3 hours to recover, but really, I'm good. If I just hang out like this for 2 more weeks there are good odds our babies will be absolutely fine and get to come home with us! Statistics show that at 35 weeks 50% of twins go home, if they do go to the NICU it's usually only for a few days. But I am now starting to wonder if I just hang out like I am, supposedly just 'flirting' with preeclampsia for 3 more weeks and we go OVER 35 weeks. So I'm not making any plans, I'm just gonna go a day at a time, take it easy and see how long I can stay at home.

Today at the Dr.'s I almost went back to the hospital. But that's because I had been up for so long. I had taken a shower (which I hadn't been allowed to even stand that long for over a week), then of course had to stand to get ready and blow dry my hair and all that, and then I decided to cut my own hair, then Justin came home to take me to the Dr. and I talked him into letting me cut his hair by telling him I felt fine although I knew I had overdone it. I should have stopped but I always think I can do WAY more than I can, and then I get scared because of what my body starts to tell me. By the time I was done with that I couldn't move. It was such an effort to just walk down the stairs and into the car. The pressure and pain in the pelvis/hip joints and the pain and tightness of my belly was almost too much. I don't know how I made it walking down the hall to the Dr.'s. It was very slow going. It's almost comical. I feel like a very old lady.

So I wasn't looking too hot to the nurses at the office and I know they were worried, and me and Justin were worried and realizing that maybe the best place for me was at the hospital where they could keep a close eye on me. Especially with all that the Dr. wants done on a weekly basis: frequent non-stress tests, lab draws, perinatologist apps, Dr. apps, 24 hour urine collections etc. etc. So we had planned on me going so I would be closely watched and more comfortable and Justin wouldn't have to worry so much about taking care of me. It would just be easier. I just said I wanted one more night in my own bed. But I got home and once I calmed down and relaxed for about 2 hours I felt good! I just need to lay down a lot! Then I'm ok. So I decided I'll let myself get up or sit up every 3 hours or something and then listen to my body and go lay down again for a few hours when it gets unbearable. I think it's a good plan. That way I feel productive at times (even though I can't last more than 20 minutes standing up) but it'll allow me to take care of myself a little more and not have to completely rely on others and take it super easy at the same time. So that's my plan. So now instead of expecting to deliver soon, I am 'planning' on going clear till January! 37 weeks! (I'm hoping that by hoping the opposite maybe I'll just deliver soon :) We'll see what happens.