Is it possible to get post-partum depression 8 months after giving birth? Seriously, I don't know what's wrong with me. I would say I definitely had the "blues" at the beginning, although it was managed easy enough and since I knew that was normal I was able to consciously know that I was really fine and able to concentrate on all the wonderful things happening in life. Or maybe the lack of sleep is finally catching up to me. Although the babies sleep pretty dang good, up until a couple months ago I was still waking up at 3-4am to pump, and then they'd wake up at 6-7am. Now I can go the whole night, but I'm still SO tired during the day. Every time I put them down for a nap, I look at my messy house, my un-showered self and get overwhelmed thinking about cleaning or even getting ready for the day. So I climb into my bed. Then it takes me awhile to finally go to sleep only to be awakend from the babies waking up from their nap. It's pretty much torture. I'm sure I'd be less sleepy if I didn't try to take naps when they do because I don't get good sleep, yet I can't bring myself to NOT climb into bed.

When they were newborns, people that had had twins kept saying "it gets easier, don't worry. Just get through these first months." In some ways, yes, it's easier. But it seems like I just traded in the hard parts for other hard parts. I actually liked that those first 4-6 months they slept ALL THE TIME. It was wonderful. I showered, cleaned, felt like a normal human being. When they were awake I could just prop them somewhere and get more things done. Now they're sleeping less during the day and demand much more to be entertained. Sawyer has decided he doesn't need as much sleep as Mercedez so while she naps I usually have him and then they overlap so when he does sleep, there's only a little bit of time to myself then I have Mercedez. So there's even less time to myself because of the nap/wake overlap.

There's only 3 things I want to get done in a day: Clean one room, make dinner and exercise. Notice showering isn't even on that list. Is that too much to ask? And yet, when I get up and feed babies milk, then solids, then put them in their walkers to play while I fix myself breakfast and clean up the kitchen a little then it's ready to go back for a nap, I can't bring myself to do one thing on my list. I feel so tired I lay in bed as soon as they're in their cribs.

Also, I feel like I'm just stuck in my dark cave all day every day while life is happening outside. Why don't I go for walks and get out of the house? Because I always look like a beast! Then I get all depressed about all the extra weight I have and feel ugly and I have about 3 outfits that fit that I'm sick of wearing and I'm sure everyone is sick of seeing. So why don't I go shopping? Same reason as above, and the last thing you want to do when you feel fat is go try on clothes and be seen in public. I just want my energy back, so I can have the energy to exercise and get my body back, which in turn I'm sure will give me more energy. It's a viscious cycle I'm in right now.

And then the last phase, guilt. I feel so guilty that I feel this way. I spent my first 3 years of marriage working, and just wanted to be a stay at home mom. "I can't wait till I can just worry about cleaning. cooking and taking care of my husband and babies" I would say to Justin. Then when it took us awhile to get pregnant, I prayed and prayed to have a baby. Now, my prayers duobly answered, and not only answered, I'm blessed with such good spirited little babies and above all else, they're healthy and growing and developing well and normal. What more could I ask for? I start to get all resentful towards Justin because he gets to actually have a "life". He leaves the house for 6-8 hours a day and goes to school. And now that he's actually studying things he loves, it's not such a burden to be at school. So I start feeling sorry for myself that he gets to go enrich his mind and start feeling like my mind is going to a waste! I have a degree! A nursing license! I felt smart once! But really I don't wish I was working necessarily, that would add more stress. I tried that a couple months ago and it didn't go so well. I don't know what I want. I guess mainly energy. Give me energy to get the things done in a day I need to get done. There. Venting has helped.