Saturday, August 4, 2012


Well, it's almost official. We're moving to Oregon in a few weeks. Me and Justin got back a couple days ago from house hunting. Or more like apartment hunting. We secured an apartment we are in LOVE with. Well, not the apartment, but the area, Troutdale. It's just outside of Portland and is so beautiful and rural I can't even stand it. It's like we're in the forest. Downtown is this quaint little street with antique shops and little restaurants tucked away. There's a huge raspberry farm across the street from our apartment complex and Mount Hood is looming in the distance. A couple miles down the street is the Columbia Gorge River and is beautiful, along with lush forest. and trails we are definitely going to go explore.Troutdale is more of a residential area, which meant on my list of like 50 places to go see, only like 3 were in Troutdale. The remainder were in Portland and Gresham. But that only makes Troutdale that much more appealing. It means it's a real town where people stay and live in real houses, not rentals. The apartment we found backs up to a river and beyond that, just a mountain side of forest. The kids are going to love it. I'm going to love it. And it's only 15 min from Justin's school. If we can stand the rain, we might just end up staying forever in Oregon.

I am giddy with excitement to move. I realized the other day that it will be almost a year that we've been without a place of our own by the time we move. We sold our house last fall and lived with my parents for a few months before we moved here to California to live with Justins parents in January. Words can't even describe the emotions I've gone through this past year.It has definitely been the hardest thing I've had to do in my life so far (knock on wood). Not that I'm not severely grateful for the kindness of justin's parents for letting us live in their small house with his younger sister, it's also a very hard thing. I feel like I've just adapted, but in the meantime I have changed into someone I don't really love. I kind of feel like I've lost a little of myself. I feel tense and stressed so much of the time, which is not me at all. I've had to work full time and days I'm home I end up sleeping at odd hours trying to catch up from the physical wear night shifts has caused. Which ends up making me feel guilty for not spending every second I can with my kids on my days off. I've endured, especially since I knew it was only for 6 months that I had to work so much, and Justin has been the best Mr. mom in this whole universe, but still. It's hard.

 I realized how much this guilt was embedded when last night I dreamt that I was walking outside on a dirt path with Justin. I realized that we had just left the twins in their cribs for their nap at our house and realized they were probably awake by now, neglected, stuck in their cribs. I was in a hurry to get home and we just had to keep walking. I was feeling so worried and guilty and ashamed. Like an awful mother. On the way there was this junk pile and we heard a baby crying. For an instant I wondered if somehow Sawyer had got out and was in there crying. I looked and it wasn't him, but another baby and I grabbed it out of the pile and cuddled and held him as we made our way back to our house. All sorts of thoughts were running through my mind. Were they ok? Would we get into trouble? It was 5:00 and I couldn't believe we'd been gone since we put them down for their nap at 12. We came to our house and there was my whole family gathered out on the porch, talking softly and concerned. Apparently they had discovered what we had done and were going to report us to DCSF (protective child services). But I held up the baby that I had saved from the junk pile to show that at least I had saved this child on the way. It was awful. I'm no dream interpreter but it pretty much sums up what I've been feeling for the past 6 months. Bottom line, I need to be at home with my kids. So to say the least I'm pretty excited to move to Oregon and be (mostly) a mom. The plan is to get a job, but definitely not full time and only if we can find one that's part time or less and works well enough that I can be a mom the majority of the time and have the energy I need to take care of them when I'm not working.

Not that I won't miss California. I will. I will miss the weather, except for when it's hot and humid. I will miss Disneyland. I will miss having the kids being able to go outside every day in the nice weather. I will miss the opportunity my kids have to be around their grandparents who love them so much every single day. I will miss the hospital I work at where I'm finally making friends and feel a part of. But I am excited to start this next adventure. I feel the same way I felt right before I got married and we were getting ready to have a place of our own. It's like we're gonna be newlyweds again! Kinda...To sum up why we're moving to Oregon for those that don't know, here's a quick synposis: Came to california to take accelerated pre-requisites for Chiropractor school at the chiropractor school in Whittier, CA that would have normally taken 4 semesters, but took 5 months instead just going to class on the weekends, Jan-May. Thought about just staying here to be by family. Realized we did not love the school. Researched other chiropractic schools and visited and loved the one in Portland Oregon. Got accepted. Now we're moving there first week of September. Wish us luck as we prepare to haul all our stuff and family up there!